Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hopefullness' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
6:25 am	I am going to be doing a funny little diet thing until I see the parental units later this month. it's rules are being under 1000 cals a day have 2 meals a day: breakfast and lunch/dinner at my work break no eating at work except what I bring for myself no carbs. just protein except for if i have a balance bar because i'm stuck at work. no alcohol running 5-6 days out of the week starting pilates again I'm going to stick to this hard core until the 25, and then continue after the holiday until I am at 140-145. Here's to day one of nineteen! (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2006
6:25 am	Wow I am a little crazy sometimes I don't know why I do things like this a lot, I just signed up for a 10K run Dec. 30th, and I am doing a 1/2 marathon on February 4th. It's good that they have winter races like this because now I'm so geared up to finish and train well for this. My friend Dawn is a big inspiration because she runs like 20 miles plus on her treadmill just on a normal day and she overtrains for stuff and I want to be like that too. I need to get some more pills to have energy like that but I'm afraid that they will make me bruise easier like the last ones. Anyways I have a plan for running that i'm following and I'm upping the mileage on a few days out of the week. Food stuff is getting a little crazy. I am going to buy a new scale tonight I think because I really need one to keep me in check everyday. I want to be in the 150s for when christmas comes around. So I really can't eat anything actually. I was thinking about how I am going to have small meals and stuff when really I just can't have anything. Nothing at all is easier than a little bit of something. And I'm only going to smoke out with myself because I don't get the munchies when I'm smoking by myself, just with other people. So also, work is no food what so ever! Tell people I already tried it and leave it at that. they won't notice or care if I haven't tried it. just make it up. good luck to me and I can't wait that I have the next couple of days off as well! running like mad and getting lots of shit done! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
8:56 pm	argh been trying to have less food during the day and it's worked pretty much, except for drinking. if i was catholic i would so give it up for lent, but i'm not and finals and such that require celebration are coming up. ugh... i just don't like this feeling. i feel muscular in the way that my my muscles feel like they're not substantial and all full of air and they're crazily padded with a layer of fat. gross! blah. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
2:38 pm	I need a plan, I feel like i'm flailing in the dark at the moment. I've gained weight, i'm about 160 now, but I don't know, the scale sucks and stuff. I am so packed with all my school work I am freaking out. I need to get on top of this majorly. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
2:04 am	i need to get this out insominia sucks! i am only my 8th bottle of beer (i think) and i finished my bottle of wine because i can't fall asleep at my bf's house because we got into a fight that was my fault but i can't fall alseep because its after 11:30 and if i don't fall asleep before then, then i can't fall asleep at all. don't know why. so i'm drinking lots of alcohol since that's the only other way without some tylenol pm. i'm so sad and depressed especially since i have my ONLY midterm tomorrow and of couse tonight is the night i can't fall asleep. fuck it!! (Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
10:24 pm	so sad. so fat. so hating myself and my body right now. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
2:49 pm	huge and fat and I hate myself right now. I am going to somehow afford some diet pills. I need to go to gnc or something. i'm always a bit nervous about buying that stuff because i dont' want my friends to find it but more than that is the actual buying part where i think that the people at the counter will judge me or something. but if i go to a place like a drugstore i can "hide" the pills within a whole bunch of other vitamins or shampoos and crap like that. wow, i dont' make much sense. I only have 100 dollars for the rest of the month. oh my goodness. also i feel like crap because i drank to much last night. it's getting a little better, but still sucks. i have gained about 5 pounds since i gained the last 5 pounds during break. i am 160 now! i don't understand because I'm runnign a lot and i'm doing pilates now too. So i bought myself a journal thing yesterday to write my food in with the mindset that if i have to write it down i'll be less likely to eat it. I have wasted a lot of money already for food bingeing. how did that happen?! I wasn't expecting this at all. everythign is getting so stressful. i have decided to cancel my account on world of warcraft to save money and time and just focus on school and applications. too much shit happening. i feel myself shutting down but i can't let that happen. man, i'm going crazy and control of food is the only thing that I can control. If i'm not in control of my food I have failed and nothing i do counts since i'll be fat. i should be writing papers and practicing and exercising, not eating. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
7:51 am	I haven't been on for a while because of the break and stuff and I thought I was doing good and stuff and then I stepped on the scale and I'm huge! during the past few days I've been between 155 and 159!!!!!!!!!!!! UNACCEPTABLE! so I'm taking some steps to change this. I was doing well in the holidays up until I went ot my boyfriends house and we made "fat pills" for our friends back home. I'm not eating carbs for the rest of the week. none at all. I am only having protein, salads and veggies. It's been easy not to drink since I don't have anything and I don't have any money to. so the basic plan is to have 2 eggs in the morning and a cup of coffee. no more cheese with my eggs, that's a hundred cals right there. and also i'm going to buy egg whites to help with that. next is lettuce with meat. i have no olive oil so i can't put that on. then for dinner it will be veggies and some more meat, likely chicken. throughout the day I will be having lots of water. I have a 5 mile race the second week of feb. So i've been doign well training for that. I've gotten up to a 40 minute run almost non stop and that's about 4 miles for me. So i'm goign to up it a bit more this week. Goign on a run later today possibly at the gym. Also when I"m at the gym I'm going to be lifting weights again. My arms look so gross with no definition at all. I need to build some more muscle to burn more cals and to look fucking kick ass toned! My legs look and feel huge! my pants are getting a bit tight and that's not cool. Also this sucks even more since my roommate is complaining that all her size 8 jeans are getting big on her and she doesn't do shit to lose weight, it just sort of came off. I"m jealous but happy for her. I subconciously want her to gain weight so we're "even" again, but I am also happy for her and want her to feel good about herself. So this is my plan to get back on track! (Comment on this)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
6:36 pm	so yeah, i've gained like 5-8 pounds this week because i suck. and i'm eating too much because i'm worried about my blood sugar. damn. also the huge amounts of alcohol don't help. i can't wait to get away from this stuff. the crappy part is that i watned to be tiny before i went to my family. :( i swear i look more huge than i was in the summer when i was 160-165 compared to now wherer i'm 150-155. ugh. my legs are really fat and huge and gross. i can't really cross my legs. i think there's something wrong with me. i can't wait to be in control of myself again. i'm staying at my boyfriend's place right now and it's certinaly not the most inspiring place to work out and such. sigh. i want to look like a runner, i want to look like an athlete. total new years resolution: keep a food diary and run every day and do sit ups and stuff. get fucking skinny! and my roommate is bugging me about it all too. she's alway saying these crazy weight/food/exercise related things and i jsut want to strangle her to shut her up! it' pisses me off so much. well, let's hope this weekend will be better. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
7:55 am	yes! Ha ha! i'm finished with finals! I went joggigng yesterday and it felt great. the only problem is that I think that my celebrations will last a long time. and i really should cut back on the wine. crappy part is that I went to the doctors and he told me i'm hypoglycemic. :( it means that if i dont' want crazy ass headaches i have to eat little meals through out the day when my symptoms come on, back: headache, shakiness, nausea etc. so what i'm doing is pretty much cutting out all carbs except for veggies, and the carbs in cheese to keep my blood sugar in check. it's going to suck especially around now, when i really just want to make fun baked goodies for my friends. but being diagnosed by a doctor has made me take charge of what i'm doing with my food and not just being relaxed about it. I have one more week at work, which is surrounded by food, and this week there's not going to be our salad bar laid out, so i might have to bring my own food and just explain it like that. I think people, especially my boss, will be sympathetic because though the food they make is wonderful, it certainly isn't healthy. and another cool thing is that i'm pretty much going to be by myself in my house since all my roommates are leaving, but another girl is coming in to stay for a while. so i am going to be able to eat what i want, and i can clear the fridge of all the bad stuff that my roommates left for me. ugh, bagels, so gross! and during this almost month long break i'm going to be running 5-6 days a week and playing the piano. yay! so fun. and i"m going to get my morning routine down so i wake up early and jog and can have the rest of the day to practice or get back into swimming. i want to look HOT when i go back to see my family in two weeks. haha! Current Mood: triumphant (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
7:52 am	ah ha! new month i just noticed it is a new month and i'm going to really be working on eating a lot less and following my south beach diet thing as much as possible. and if i fuck it up, i just get right back on the next meal, and forget. none of this stupid, well i fucked up and so i'll just keep eating like that for the rest of the day sort of thing. no! i will be strong. and after this week, hell!, and next week, finals, i will have time to start training again for my triathlon, and a 5k or 10k in february. so excited. and also i quit my job at the dining commons so i will have complete control over my food and i won't be having nearly as many sweets because of that stupid bakery! yay! next quarter will be so much better. :) looking forward to it. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
8:22 am	bwahahaha! I was 149 today and that's after having a decent sized dinner, but lots of dessert! haha! I'm finally in the 140's and it's going to stay like that. I hope when i start running again that it won't make me gain too much since i've noticed loss of muscle mass lately. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
9:48 pm	GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, i'm drunk, stupid and fat: so what's new? 151 today, yes that's less than this weekend, but it's still fucking huge. i saw more skinny tall girls today at work than i ever have before and it pissed me off because right before that i had a slice of cake that i scarfed down for now aparent reason! yuck! so what do i do? i go home, play the piano, try and talk to my BF, but he's busy-ish (playing world of warcraft) but that's what has gotten me so depressed, so i grabbed my bottle of two-buck-chuck, and here i am. no better off. i'm playing WoW too and he's not talking to me. i don't know why! i don't know if i'm bugging him too much (i call him maybe once a day and see him, maybe, once a day) or if he's giving me space since he knows i'm really busy most of the time. so confused, but i'm going to bed soon so i can't go over and talk to him any time soon. i feel so bad if he feels like i'm too busy for him, because i'm not, he's the most important thing to me. sorry for the crazy talk, but i'm really sad and have no one to talk to except for my livejournal. isn't that sad? it's like in this one song i just listened to: "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time..." so fits my lifestyle right now. on a different note, at least i've lost 6 pounds since sunday, i need to lose about 5 more before i go home next wednesday. run run run! Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 14th, 2005
5:41 pm	fuck fuck fuck akkk! so i couldn't go running today, and i saw my boyfriend as i was riding back from class and therefor had dinner with him and couldn't really get out of it and he's not into dieting and doesn't understand and so i had a little bit of rice with my stir fry, but the sauce was all sweet and sugary and i feel horrible! i can't stand it! and i'm stressing out about all the papers i have to write, mainly because i hate writing, and all the practicing i have to do. i just want to run away for a while so i dont' have to think or practice or perform or take finals or do any of that shit. i REALLY want to quit my job but i can't do that right now because it fucks everyone at work up and stuff. i hate it right now, and i hate how i feel in my body, i'm so huge and my legs look absolutely terrible, so huge and cellulity, and that's no exaggeration. they're fucking big! me no likey. but for today: b-fast= 1 egg and 1 oz cheese, 4 oz. espresso and a diet red bull lunch= lettuce w/ little bit of olives and drizzle of oil. dinner=1/2 cup or so of rice, 3-4 oz of beef, w/ veggies and pineapple and 1 glass of red wine. i had about 7 of my diet pills today. i need to either kick up the dosage (but i dont' really want to) or get something stronger. mine are kind of weak, but they only cost 11 bucks or something. eh, you get what you pay for. Current Mood: gross (Comment on this)
8:23 am	south beach Ok, so i'm going to start the south beach diet today. i don't have the book, but i just ordered it from amazon, and i think for the mean time i'm going to just go by the info on the internet. the hard part is the weekends with my boyfriend if we have dinner together and stuff, because we like to make stir fry. i think if that happens a little tiny bit of rice won't hurt. the big thing is no alcohol. but i CAN DO IT! i know i can because i have to. after this weekend i now weight 157. WTF?! where did it come from? so the other hard thing is at work and the bakery. i need to tell some people there so they can question me if i do grab stuff. and the best part is i can say that i'm doing it for training and getting to a good base training weight. can't do a triathlon really well with extra stuff on me that doesn't do crap! :) And i've been ranting to my boyfriend about how i hate my body, yadda yadda, and so when i tell him about it if he doesn't like it, i'll just say it's the only way for me to stay somewhat sane. i think that might do it. i've been really crazy lately. but what really annoys me about myself if that i have this great self control not to eat at school and stuff, because i can always run around and do other things instead of eat, but i can't control myself when i'm eating. doesn't make sense at all! also i'm going to put my debit card in a plastic bag and in the freezer so i can't use it to buy food or more alcohol. it's the only way! and one more thing, my roommate is beating me at weight loss stuff! i love the fact that she's happy (she never has liked her body; wouldn't wear anything tight, only baggy t-shirts and she really wasn't that overweight, and now she's actually appreciating it!) but i'm getting jealous. i should be happy for her! i suppose i've always been jealous of her because she's always the one at the party who everyone talks to, has great stories, always tries to have fun, and i'm usually the opposite for the most part. she just bought a size 8 jean in american eagle and i fit into them sure, but they should be baggy on me! i want to be better at her in at least one thing, and that only thing is weight right now since i can't have fun because i'm too stressed out. sigh. Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
8:17 pm	ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry, but i totally hate myself right now. i've been drinking too much (as always) but it has totally caught up with me this time. i weighed myself today: 156!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! i really hate myself at the moment. i'm making myself wear really tight clothes right now so i re-affirm the gross feelin that I NEVER WANT TO HAVE AGAIN! i refuse to go back to my parents at thanksgiving and have them say "oh wow kimi, it doesn't look like you've been running at all. too bad, you were looking so good there for a while." and the worst thing is that most peopel only think that's what people will say to them when they return home, but that is EXACTLY what my parents and family say to me. never fails. i want to get clothes when i get home, but i want skinny clothes. good news is: i just bought some kind of generic diet pills, but so far it has surppressed my appetite, but not my drinking appetite. but i think i'm getting an ulcer so whoo hoo! a valid excuse to myself (most important) and my friends to not drink. and my hands and feet are always cold and i looked up "poor blood circulation" and it said that alcohol was a big thing for it. so yay! i just needed some good reason not to drink and the weight will drip right off. The last time i lost my huge 20-25 pounds (175-170 to my now 155-150) i had a reason, i thought my boyfriend was more interested in other girls than me (i should have known better, he doesn't think that way and never will but it helped me lose weight i suppose) so i had a reason to lose weight. he likes smaller girls and i was depressed and wanted to be desirable. but now that i know that he likes me for who i am and always will i don't need to worry about that. but i dont' want to slide and let myself get huge! so it's all back and forth for me. ugh and the worse part is that i'm treating my alcohol like my bulimia. i am sad that i'm fat and drink and get sad that i drank and get fatter because of it. just like bulimia. i would binge, purge it because i'm sad that i ate, but would get fatter because that i'm still consuming calories. I REALLY want to get this point across to my boyfriend so he will understand and support my no drinking thing, because drinking 6 days out of the week IS NOT HEALTHY at all. and not just drinking 1 glass of wine, no: it's a bottle or more a night. after tongiht i'm not staying over at my bf's house and at my own house i won't have alcohol and i'll have my roommates for support at least. sigh. ' anyways, last night of drinking until thursday. and jogging a minimum of 40-45 minutes each morning NO MATTER WHAT! i can't handle worrying about my body on top of everything else. and i bought yummy lettuce today to make salads for me instead of lunch at my dining commons. that will be nice. think thin! Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
7:12 am	akkkk! Jumped on the scale this morning and it was 156!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to kill myself, i'm so gross and huge! If i want to have my bmi of 19 or so i need to be around 133. i'm farther from my goal, not closer and that's bad!!!! I'd go jogging right now but i have to go to work soon. uck i'm so gross. Current Mood: disgusted (Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
8:09 pm	so... so i'm bummed, i'm getting sick after i drink my cup o' joe in the morning now. And it would be ok, but the only thing that makes it feel better is food, so i can't drink coffee for a while! I should use this time to get off my caffeine addiction, but we'll see. and as always, i've been drinking too much. though it's really because i've been at my bf's all week and i can't sleep well at his house without some drinks in me that will knock me out. but i think his depression is going to get better. I hope, i hate seeing him sad like that. and speaking of depression... wow! i've been sucking at controlling it. I really am thinking of going back on anti-depressants, though my bf doesn't really like the idea. neither do i, but it's either not being able to orgasm on one hand, or being miserable all the time on the other. (i have weird side effects) I just want this quarter/year to be over with. I also hate my job for the sole reason of it being at a dining common. other than that i love it. but i freak out around the food, eat way to much of it, get sad, and eat more, and then eat more because there isn't anything for me to do and i'm bored. So i've picked up a pack of cigs, to kill my break time, but it still sucks. and my stomach is getting huge and my legs are all cellulity and gah! i hate it. I'm so torn between starving myself before i see my parents next so they won't comment on anything or eating somewhat healthily, but not as often. The part I ABSOLUTELY HATE, is my stomach growling during classes and lessons and in the library. with classes being about 8-15 people total, it's pretty tough to hide the fact that you didn't have lunch. grr... So plans and goals going through my head. -I'm not going to make goals for food kinda: they only fuck up in the end, they totally backfire. other than just eat as little calorically and portion-size wise as possible and as least often as possible. But i do need to figure out a base plan for b-fast, lunch and dinner. it's the b-fast thing that's the most important. if i don't eat it, i get really cranky, but after i eat b-fast i get hungry again in 2 hours. and i'm thinking i might just have to start packing lunches and stuff to take to work. just lots and lots and lots of veggies! -think about getting some diet pills in replacement for my coffee (so sad! no coffee!) either that or just have tea instead of coffee. 5 cups of tea takes up more space... -drink as little as possible and if i drink, don't drink to get drunk and limit it to wine. I always weigh less the next day with wine. and red is good for you too. -not spend any cash. save save save! and since i won't have to buy many groceries it will be great. living off boca burgers and frozen veggies. -study and write like mad! -and most importantly: RUN 5-6 DAYS A WEEK, NO LESS THAN 40 MINUTES!!!! the hard part about this of course is the fact that i have to do it at 5 or 6 am at the latest. ugh. but with less caffeine in me, it will be ok. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
5:48 pm	I fucking hate myself! I can't stand it! I feel like such a loser, failure, horrible person full of contradictions and helplessness. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Friday, October 28th, 2005
9:45 pm	hmm... I'm as tall as most supermodels (5'10") why shouldn't i be the same measurements/figure as them. new goals: saw a show on VH1 called Supermodels last week or something and it said that super models were average of 5'10", 120 34",24",34". I want to be that! damn halloween weekend in Isla Vista! (1 Comment |Comment on this)